Capri Suns are on ice. The pizza has been devoured. And everyone just finished singing “Happy Birthday” to your 7-year-old daughter, Kayleigh. That’s when you give me the thumbs up to take this party to the next level.
I open iTunes on my supercharged Macbook Pro that I have plugged into your garage. I play “Old Town Road (Remix)” by Lil Nas X at a respectful volume that won’t upset your neighbors.
The kids lose their minds as your driveway transforms into a nightclub that rivals Hakkasan at MGM Grand. …
So you scored a Tinder date with someone else who’s quaran-horny. Here are my tips on having the best first date on video.
Serial killers sit in front of blank walls. You need to customize your background: carefully place trophies, workout equipment, and the book Infinite Jest in frame. If you don’t have these things, use a virtual background to make it look like you’re quarantined in a way cooler apartment.
Bedhead and pajamas aren’t gonna cut it. Turn on your filters and play around with some looks. As tempting as it is to use CGI to look like a red fox in a 24-karat gold suit, you should aim to match your cool new apartment. Get yourself a dimpled chin, circle-framed spectacles, tousled hair, and a cardigan. …
[ ] Less than $250
[ ] More than $250
[ ] Exactly $250
ANSWER: It doesn’t matter how much “old you” spent — “new you” is never getting that money back. “New you” will ask for a partial refund by March. Eventually, due to an avoidance of the gym, the “new you” will have a worse body than the “old you” had. The “new you” will update their health goal to be “get back to my old body.” This will be a sad day.
[ ] Bathroom
[ ] Bedroom
[ ] Basement
ANSWER: No amount of renovation can make someone’s house a home: the “new you”’s marriage is in shambles. Jamie will leave the “new you” on April 6th, and “new you” will sell the house on October 27th. “New you” never once stops to question if these goals were things “new you” actually wanted, or if these resolutions were simply ways for “old you” to cope with an unsatisfying present. “New you” will think, “well, at least my body is in better shape.” Wrong. …