The kids invite me to hopscotch and I feel infinite.

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My sanctuary (DJ Image courtesy of Pixabay, edited by Nick DiMaso)

Capri Suns are on ice. The pizza has been devoured. And everyone just finished singing “Happy Birthday” to your 7-year-old daughter, Kayleigh. That’s when you give me the thumbs up to take this party to the next level.

I open iTunes on my supercharged Macbook Pro that I have plugged into your garage. I play “Old Town Road (Remix)” by Lil Nas X at a respectful volume that won’t upset your neighbors.

The kids lose their minds as your driveway transforms into a nightclub that rivals Hakkasan at MGM Grand. …


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Photo by visuals on Unsplash

So you scored a Tinder date with someone else who’s quaran-horny. Here are my tips on having the best first date on video.

1. Consider your background.

Serial killers sit in front of blank walls. You need to customize your background: carefully place trophies, workout equipment, and the book Infinite Jest in frame. If you don’t have these things, use a virtual background to make it look like you’re quarantined in a way cooler apartment.

2. Look “put-together.”

Bedhead and pajamas aren’t gonna cut it. Turn on your filters and play around with some looks. As tempting as it is to use CGI to look like a…


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“New year, new you!” Hahaha, who are you kidding? (Image: Nick DiMaso)

1. How much money did you spend on next year’s gym membership?

[ ] Less than $250
[ ] More than $250
[ ] Exactly $250

ANSWER: It doesn’t matter how much “old you” spent — “new you” is never getting that money back. “New you” will ask for a partial refund by March. Eventually, due to an avoidance of the gym, the “new you” will have a worse body than the “old you” had. The “new you” will update their health goal to be “get back to my old body.” This will be a sad day.

2. Which rooms of your house are you planning on remodeling?

[ ] Bathroom
[ ] Bedroom
[ ] Basement

ANSWER: No amount of renovation can…

Nick DiMaso

Writer/performer/filmmaker based in Chicago. https://nickdimaso.com/

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